Talking Dirty to Teyla
by ltcoljsheppard
Summary: Things aren't always as people imagine them to be.


**Title:** Talking Dirty to Teyla

Author: ltcoljsheppard Email: 

Fandom: SGA

Pairing: Teyla/John

Rating: R

Word Count: 2313 words

Summary: Things aren't always as people imagine them to be.

Spoilers: None

Disclaimer: Don't own them, but damm ... if I did? Now that'd be fun. No profit made from this story, it's just for fun.

Notes: For the FicFest Prompt -- Feb 18 - Stargate: Atlantis, Teyla/John: talking and communication - John talks dirty to Teyla.

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

All of the technicians in the Control Center, as well as Dr. Weir, looked up from their work as the sound of the overhead speakers of the public address system crackled as if they were about to receive a public announcement. Static came over the speakers first, and then the muffled voices of Colonel Sheppard and Teyla Emmagan followed, interspersed with the white noise.

Elizabeth stood up and walked out to the comm-center. She was, at first, as confused as the technicians and then realized what was happening. She went to see about overriding the open microphone, but through the intermittent static the colonel's topic of conversation made a few eyebrows raise up in interest or alarm.

"Okay, first we need to make sure we're prepared to proceed..." Colonel Sheppard said. "Let's take a moment to review the procedure before we go any further, to be sure you're familiar with this method... _(static)_ ... we wouldn't want anyone to get hurt by moving too fast, right?"

"Yes, John," Teyla replied.

"Okay, first thing you want to do is inspect it closely, be sure you know what you're about to touch before you just start grabbing for things..."

"Oh my goodness," Teyla remarked. "John... this is a lot bigger than you implied this morning."

"No it isn't...well, maybe a little, but I was close," Sheppard defended himself.

"Nooo, this is a lot larger in diameter than you mentioned. And look how long it is!"

"Well you want it long. You want it to reach, don't you?"

What appeared to be an inadvertant public announcement of the military commander's well-known proclivities when it came to the young ladies that came near him, the obviousness of their conversation came through loud and clear and caused some of the female techs to blush a bit.

"It weighs a ton. I cannot do this!" Teyla admonished.

A loud batch of static raced across the frequency and everyone in the control center cringed. Some techs reflexively pulled their earpieces out of their ears and then fumbled to get them back on in order to hear the rest of the transmission.

Elizabeth's eyes were wide and she was visibly stunned, but just as intrigued at the implications as the rest of the staff were. Of course, everyone put on a good show of trying to look busy to disconnect the transmission, but even the civilian commander had stopped barking orders to get it turned off... _now!_

"You can too do this. Oh, first of all, you're holding it wrong."

"I told you I've never done anything like this before!" Teyla reminded her commander a bit heatedly.

"Well, here... hold it with both hands, don't be a wimp."

"It's too much for me by myself..." she tried to explain to him but Sheppard didn't want to hear it.

"No, it's not. Trust me, you'll get used to it. A little at a time... I'll help you the first few times...."

Teyla could be heard huffing and puffing as if exerting herself. Dr. Weir's brow furrowed as her imagination took her places it shouldn't be going, thinking about what the Athosian woman was doing with Col. Sheppard at the moment. Not that her own thoughts hadn't gone there many times before with the handsome military officer, in private fantasy of course. One sculpted eyebrow shot up high as the sound of John grunting joined Teyla's panting.

"This is impossible, Colonel... this is more than one person can handle alone."

_...(static)..._

"Oh, man. Teyla, it's not impossible. You're just nervous... and that's understandable. But trust me, I handle it all by myself all the time. Sometimes one-handed."

"Well, that is you," she conceded. "I, however, cannot do this without help."

"Yes! You can! Just follow my lead, all right? Do what I say, when I say it. Ask questions if you need to. I'm here to... _(static)_... you. Okay?"

"Yes, John," was Teyla's reply.

"You feeling calmer now? Hmm?"

"Yes, Colonel."

"Alright then, before we begin... are you absolutely sure you have enough lubricant? Proper lubrication is essential and you don't want to have to stop what you're doing right in the middle to go find some."

"Yes, Johhhhn," Teyla's voice droned over the radio. "I have it right here."

"Hey, don't use that tone. You're the one who insisted on doing this. There's a right way and a wrong way and if you're unsure..."

"I understand, Colonel," Teyla conceded with a slight sigh. "Please, continue."

"Well, if you're going to have a tone...."

"There is no tone, Colonel. Please proceed."

"You sound like you're getting an attitude..." Sheppard's voice came across the static based comm.

"No, _sir _-- I just... didn't realize how involved this was going to be."

"Do you have somewhere else to be at this moment?" John asked, sounding a bit huffy and put out.

"No, John, I do not. Please, continue, so we can get this over with."

"There! That's a tone."

"There is no tone. Would you please continue your instructions so we can be done with it?" Teyla insisted.

"Alright, are you ready?"

"Yes."

"Okay, this... this is how this goes.... This is called the discharge nozzle," Colonel Sheppard began.

"Of course," Teyla remarked with a dry tone.

"... _(static)..._ and this part needs to be primed properly if you want it to discharge fluids in... _(static)..._ anticipated quantities," the colonel explained. "You'll know that you're priming it properly when it stiffens and becomes rigid and unbendable. If you can still bend it with your hands, then it's not hard enough... Now in order to achieve the correct firmness you need to make sure you have a tight seal and the proper amount of suction."

"I understand," Teyla replied.

"Okay, now it's very important for you to understand... _(static)._.. There's a certain amount of pressure that needs to be created in order to achieve and maintain the proper elevation and angle or it can't perform correctly or do its job properly."

"That would make sense, yes," Teyla agreed. "And this condition can be achieved if I slide my hand along this shaft?"

"Yes, if you wrap your hand around that and move it up and down in a smooth pumping motion you should be able to achieve enough pressure build-up to create a significant rise in temperature and that should maintain the proper angle... but let's not get ahead of ourselves."

Sheppard paused as all of the personnel in Atlantis' communications center froze in their activities to listen to the inadvertent semi-public announcement being broadcast over an open mic on either Teyla's or John's comm earpiece.

At Dr. Weir's frantic instruction, Peter Grodin made numerous attempts to cut the link on the communications but was unable to -- and to make matters worse, the transmission was full of static and dead signal areas. She didn't know what was worse; eavesdropping on someone's personal conversation or being forced to listen to it but not have it come in clearly.

"Remember, the pressure needs to be greater on the outside length, in order to force the fluid to rise inside, and it must be able to move freely up the full length in order to spill out the head. The rise in pressure will continue until either the... _(radio static)..._ is full ... _(radio static)..._ and... the head ... releases pressure... _(static)..._ like a geyser exploding. We don't want explosive release... _(static)..._ understand? You want slow, smooth strokes, for a calm and controlled spill-over at the tip."

All eyes in the control room were wide and you could hear a pin drop as the open radio communications between Colonel Sheppard and the Athosian woman had imaginations running rampant.

In the lab, McKay's mouth hung open as he slowly blinked in awe, finding himself more than a bit interested in the outcome of events he was overhearing through his personal radio link with his teammates.

In the sparring room, all evolutions had ceased.

Ronon was draped over the mannequin, his arm around its shoulders as if it was an old drinking buddy... and he laughed... and he laughed, while his students simply looked at him and then to each other.

"So..." Teyla's voice continued, "Does this mean that the length and diameter is not affected by the angle of the shaft, but is affected overall by the vacuum we produce by the pressure we can maintain?"

"Well... yeah," Sheppard answered, sounding unsure. "But it's impossible to maintain a perfect prolonged suction in order to achieve the maximum height and lift that's physically attainable. It's simply impossible to perform that perfectly, and keep that amount suction, for a prolonged period of time. I mean, we try and that _is_ what we strive for, but it's rarely ever done... so don't feel bad if you lose suction for a bit," Sheppard reassured her. "But don't worry, you can achieve a dependable rise in the shaft as long as you keep proper pressure on it and keep the effects of friction _loss _in mind..."

"Okay, like this?"

"Yes, very good, exactly like that. You're doing very well," Sheppard complimented his teammate. "Okay, now before we get into the final position... we need to be sure we're close enough to make a connection... and lined up properly..."

The sounds of grunting and shifting bodies could be detected over the control room's speakers and more than a few technicians blushed fiercely. The Marines in the room, however, grinned at their posts, thinking the Air Force Colonel definitely deserved a salute the next time they saw him.

"There... oh yeah, feel that? Oh yeah, that's the sound of a good hard-suction... _(static)..._ oh yeah, that's great.... _(panting is heard)...._ Okay, unnh, here... before we insert it, make sure it's free of debris...."

Rodney dropped his laptop and it clattered to the floor. He scrambled after it, nearly choking on the donut he'd been eating prior to the unprecedented oral activities, no pun intended, coming over his headset.

"Okay... " Colonel Sheppard said, panting heavily over the comlink, "there, attach this rope to the end of it, to aid in positioning it... there.... yeah... that's good."

"I... got it... it's in position," Teyla informed him, as well as the entire base.

"Excellent. Use that rubber mallet if you need to... make sure we have an airtight fit..." John instructed her.

"You wish me to hit it with a mallet?" Teyla asked, unsure.

"Yeah, it's okay. Just give it a few little taps," Sheppard encouraged her.

The sound of soft tapping can be heard before John stated with a smile in his voice, "There ya' go! See? It wasn't that bad."

"Well, it did not break. That is always a good thing," Teyla replied.

"Exactly! You gotta be more relaxed about things, Teyla. The more you play with it the more comfortable you'll be around it. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Now aren't you feeling a little better, not so scared about touching it?"

"Yes, I am. You were right... again."

"Okay, then, now all we gotta do is be sure we're parallel to each other for maximum pumping position. Oh, make sure any openings we're not using are capped or plugged tightly before we begin," he instructed her.

Elizabeth's eyes were wide as she stood nearly frozen in the command center. Her imagination was taking her places she'd never have gone by herself, she was sure of it.

"Roger that," Teyla copied. "Done."

"Okay, now... start pumping real slow... you'll feel the full length begin to pulsate as the fluid builds up inside, that just means we're getting the proper flow... and discharge is imminent. Never stop pumping until you get a steady flow of liquid... and watch your intake... a vacuum should develop as pressure increases..."

"Oh yes, I see," she panted lightly over the comm. "Oh, John, this is wonderful!" Teyla exclaimed.

"Yes it is... but we're not done yet," Sheppard advised her. "Okay, now you may notice a difference in pumping pressure as we achieve a solid flow. As you practice and get faster at doing this, it should only take about 30 seconds from start to finish," Sheppard informed her matter-of-factly... and in the lab Rodney tripped over a chair. "If you can't achieve a steady flow in this amount of time, stop what you're doing and inspect the shaft for any problems or leaks."

"Right," Teyla affirmed.

"When you're sure you're pumping properly, you can increase your speed by twisting this knob... after that it won't be long before you see drops of discharge fluid at the opening. Slowly build the pressure until... _(static)...._ will let loose and spill over with a rather loud noise..."

"This really is much easier to do than the way you explained it to me earlier," Teyla was saying.

"Well yeah, it's easier to do than it is to teach without showing you..." he told her and she agreed again.

"Just remember, the pump... _(static)..._ should never be exceeded... or it could lead to a condition we call cavitation... and we don't want that."

"I will remember," Teyla told him.

Elizabeth's head turned sharply as Teyla and Col. Sheppard appeared below, as they ascended the main staircase still conversing amiably. Neither one seemed to realize, obviously, that one of them had a microphone that was stuck open on their communications earpiece.

"And... to shut down the pump when you're finished," John continued his lesson, "just decrease the throttle speed to idle, turn off the pump and drain it, disassemble the hoses and equipment so they can dry and back-flush the pump if you need to. But you shouldn't have to do that every time you refill the pool. Now that you know how to prime the water pumps, you can teach others and they can help you maintain the swimming pools and hot tubs."

"Thank you very much, Colonel. It has been a most informative afternoon," Teyla offered with a smile. As they turned at the top of the stairs to enter the Control Room, they were met by a dozen pairs of eyes staring at them.

"What?" Sheppard asked as he and Teyla were brought up short by the unconventional welcome. Everyone in the CommCenter simply turned back to their consoles without a word and even Elizabeth simply turned and made a beeline to her office. "What?"

(End)


End file.
